Why We Are Attracted to Dangerous Men: a Scientific and Social Reflection

By Boiketlo Lamula

When we were talking about molecules during one chemistry lecture, my lecturer made a sarcastic joke about the second law of thermodynamics which mentions how systems tend to move more and more towards disorder, he said “ah, now you see why our world is full of so much disorder,” and we all had a merry laugh. We can surely laugh about it, the joke was funny, but one of the harsh and disorderly realities that we witness in our world is the persistent violence towards women, and a microscopic view can be taken of black Africans on the continent of Africa.

Psychophysics – the science of how physical stimuli create perception – can make you realise that maybe women (and men, too, in some cases) aren’t just ignoring red flags. Maybe their bodies are misreading the signals, or the noise is louder than the truth. While the LGBTQIA+ community cannot easily be included in these talks of gender-based violence due to the community being overlooked and still very ostracised across the African continent, perhaps some lessons and insights can be gained from the focus on women who identify as females/girls.

It is not only the words of men that tend to create chemical storms, but their ambition, coupled with their charming faces, tends to create a noise that far exceeds the silent truth beneath the charm. These are often men with successful enterprises, blooming passions, and explosive sums of money that are not only found in their bank accounts but are easily found in their hands, too. This is widely seen on social media, where our social media influencers, our favourite public celebrities will brag about their swoon worthy men; and even when he is not so physically charming, the money in his pocket and the high-flying career probably built on ambition (and sometimes no clear career, but enough money!), are enough to speak all the words.

Some posters with provocative questions about abuse in a romantic relationship. Photo by: Boiketlo Lamula

This social media world does not just end on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, X and the other social media platforms; it is the world of some of our closest friends and university peers. The higher education system in South Africa observed the rising cases of gender-based violence and harassment and thus called for all universities to open a Transformation office where such issues among students and their peers, and even students and their seniors, can be addressed and handled. However, many cases often go unreported. And it is amazing to think, “But why do we not report these issues?”

Generally, in African households, the topics of “sex”, “dating”, and the like are not spoken about; these are usually only introduced to students in a subject called Life Orientation in high school. But what is also rife and “spoken about” through actions in African households is rape, domestic violence, intimate partner violence, hate speech, unaddressed infidelity, and all the likes. Is it surprising, then, that women have the kind of relationship that they have with sex and attraction? A narcissist’s charm may act like a ligand that fits an emotionally vulnerable person’s “receptor”. Our bodies are chemically made up of ligands, receptors and acceptors, the chemicals that are linked to the “love” emotions – oxytocin, dopamine and cortisol, just to name some of them, are physical substances that change and transform; they are not constantly in one place and constantly the same. And these molecules, chemicals, make up memory.

a poster from Rhodes University for creating awareness during Sexual Assault Month. Photo by: Boiketlo Lamula

African women are dealing with layers like generational postcolonial trauma, economic dependency, patriarchal cultural systems, lack of access to mental health care, and all these stimuli are what is familiar to their bodies, so these molecules will react in the way that they have been conditioned to react. When a woman ignores red flags, it's rarely because she doesn’t see them; it’s because no one has ever loved her safely, the danger feels familiar, the beauty of the man masks the pain, society blames her for breaking things off, not him for being abusive.

But also, the human spirit cannot be left out of it, because while her biology can betray her, it can also be re-attuned in such a way that it will favour her. This is where neuroplasticity can come to be useful, to reform what has been deformed. The brain is not just one large mass of matter, it is made up of these ever-changing molecules that one does have the ability to control (albeit to a certain extent). So, while trauma cannot be reversed, trauma patterns can be healed, nervous system adaptations can be moved, and societal conditioning like glorifying “bad boys” in the media can be changed.

This work of transformation is the work of a lifetime. But small progress like creating laws and policies that make child marriages illegal, building justice systems that rectify victims of rape by rather calling out perpetrators to prove that they did not commit the crime because they asked for consent, and making mental health care more accessible, are a step in the right path.