Backhanded compliments: Praise or polite bullying?

By Lovynia Onthatile Miller

“You look good for someone who does not usually dress up.” At first glance, this statement sounds like a compliment, but after hearing such a ‘compliment,’ most people are left wondering if they were just praised or if they were quietly insulted. Conversations around kindness continue to change, as backhanded compliments have become a recurring topic of debate. But are these compliments genuinely harmless, or do they reveal a new form of bullying hidden behind the language of praise?

Compliments are meant to make people feel appreciated and valued, as a single compliment can brighten someone’s day, strengthen relationships, and even boost confidence. However, not every compliment comes out with pure intention. Some compliments sound as if they are wrapped in kindness and genuine care, but they hide brutal criticism that leaves the recipient feeling confused, uncomfortable, and sometimes unconfident. These are known as backhanded compliments. Example phrases of these compliments are: ‘You are surprisingly smart,' or ‘I did not think you would do so well, but congratulations. ' These phrases seem harmless, but they unfortunately suggest negative assumptions, which overshadows the praise itself.

The difference between genuine compliments and backhanded compliments is that genuine compliments feel inclusive, appreciative, and acknowledging, whereas backhanded compliments stir mixed emotions in the recipient. Instead of the recipient walking away feeling appreciated, they constantly try to figure out if they were complimented or politely insulted. The uncertainty the remarks create leads to embarrassment, self-doubt and even insecurities. The recipient may be left unsure of how to respond, as the ambiguous nature of the compliment creates uncertainty about whether they should accept it with a simple “thank you,” laugh it off, or question the person’s intentions. For some people, these comments may seem small and unharmful. However, when compliments happen way too often or intensify, they can have a bigger impact than expected.

When one is constantly hearing remarks about their appearance, body, intelligence, clothing or achievements, it can slowly affect their confidence and lead to low self-esteem. A person who is constantly told that “You are pretty for someone who doesn’t wear makeup,” May start to wonder whether they are only considered attractive when they try to change their appearance. Genuine compliments are different. They are sincere expressions of appreciation that do not make anyone else feel less important. Saying, “You worked really hard on that project,” recognises someone’s effort without putting them down. Similarly, saying, “I really like your outfit,” celebrates someone’s style without suggesting that they normally dress badly. The difference often comes down to intention and impact. Someone may not mean to hurt another person when making a backhanded comment, because they may believe they’re being funny or simply expressing their opinion. However, good intentions do not always remove the impact of hurtful words. What matters is how the person receiving the comment feels.

Backhanded compliments can come from many places, sometimes out of jealousy or insecurity. A person may struggle to celebrate someone else’s success and add a negative comment to make themselves feel better. In other situations, people may use these comments to establish a sense of superiority. By praising someone while subtly putting them down, they can make themselves appear more confident or powerful. Social media has created a space for these comments. Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook encourage people to share their appearance, achievements, relationships and lifestyles publicly. This creates an environment where people constantly compare themselves with others. A comment like “You’re brave for wearing that,” may receive laughing emojis from others, but the person receiving it may feel embarrassed or judged. However, the problem becomes even more serious when these remarks become a pattern; one comment may be dismissed as a joke, but repeated comments from the same person can become emotionally exhausting. This can happen between friends, classmates, romantic partners, family members or colleagues. University students, for example, may experience backhanded comments about their academic performance, appearance, friendships or lifestyle. 

In South Africa, where people come from diverse cultural and social backgrounds, humour and communication can vary greatly. Some comments may be understood as jokes in one social group but as offensive in another. This makes context important. Not every poorly worded compliment is necessarily bullying. Sometimes people genuinely do not realise that their words are hurtful. However, repeatedly making negative comments and hiding behind the “I was only joking” humour should not be ignored. This is why conversations about respectful communication are important.

People should be encouraged to think about what they are saying before they say it. Instead of comparing someone to others, compliments can focus on their individual qualities and achievements. There is no need to add an insult to make praise sound funny. It is also important for people on the receiving end to recognise that they do not have to accept hurtful comments simply because they are presented as compliments. Asking, “What do you mean by that?” can sometimes make the speaker realise that their words were inappropriate. Setting boundaries can also help protect relationships and personal confidence.

Edited by Munei Zoe Mbedzi