“Are You Sure You’re in the Right Bathroom?”: Who Decides What a Woman Should Look Like?
By: Lovynia Onthatile Miller
“Excuse me, I think you are in the wrong bathroom.” Some women take in those words like they mean nothing more than a simple mistake. However, for some women, it can be embarrassing, upsetting, humiliating, and a reminder that society has a very specific idea of what a woman is supposed to look like. A simple short haircut, baggy clothes, a deeper voice, or a more masculine style can be enough for a woman to be questioned when she walks into a women’s bathroom.
Public bathrooms are rarely looked at twice by most people. You casually walk in, use the bathroom, and leave right after, but for some women, something as simple as walking through the door can lead to awkward stares, uncomfortable questions, or even confrontation. Suddenly, a woman who simply wants to use the bathroom finds herself having to explain why she belongs in that bathroom like any other woman in there, and for a masculine-presenting woman, this can be a particularly uncomfortable experience. TikTok user (@)ilygen explains how she was harassed because of her masculine-presenting appearance.
This now raises a very uncomfortable question: Who decides what a woman is supposed to look like? For many women, the answer seems obvious: if you’re a woman, you should be able to use the women’s bathroom without having to prove it. However, society has created well-built ideas about what femininity should and is expected to look like. The more accepted idea of feminism...is having long hair, wearing dresses or dolling up, and having softer features and expecting calm and silent mannerisms. Women who do not fit into this perfectly built image find themselves being judged more harshly and ostracized. Human Rights Watch has documented how masculine-presenting Black lesbians and transgender men in South Africa can face vulnerability because their appearance challenges traditional ideas and social norms about gender and femininity.
Even with someone who is comfortable with the way they look, being stopped or questioned can still be embarrassing. Imagine walking into a bathroom and hearing or being directly asked, “Are you sure you are in the right place?” What may sound like an innocent question to the person asking the question can feel very different to the receiver of the question. Instead of going on about her day, she is suddenly being asked to explain her appearance and identity.
South African research also shows that bathrooms can become places where people experience pressure because of their gender and sexuality. A study by Anthony Brown, Nonhlanhla Maseko and Mabatho Sedibone looked at the experiences of 17 lesbian students at a South African university. The researchers found that bathroom spaces could expose students to microaggressions and messages that made them feel that identities were being challenged. Some participants also experienced anxiety around using these spaces. However, the problem goes beyond just bathroom cases. It is connected to how society understands gender expression.
Gender expression is the way people present themselves through their clothing, hairstyle, behaviour and appearance. Gender expression does not automatically tell us someone’s sexual orientation or determine whether they are a man or a woman. Yet people often make assumptions about someone’s identity based on what they see.
Society’s norms on expected appearances do not mean that privacy concerns should be ignored. Women’s bathrooms exist partly because people value privacy and feel more comfortable in gender-separated spaces. Some women may genuinely feel uncomfortable when they believe someone who appears male has entered the bathroom, even though those feelings might come off strong; they should still be acknowledged rather than immediately dismissed. However, the problem begins when the discomfort turns into policing how other women should look. At the end of the day, a woman should not have to prove her femininity before being allowed to use a space meant for women. Hair length, clothing, makeup,, and body shape should not determine whether someone belongs.
There is a wider issue of discrimination affecting LGBTQ+ people in South Africa. A 2016 study involving 2130 participants found that 44% had experienced discrimination in their everyday lives because of their LGBTQ+ status during the previous two years. Among respondents aged 16 to 24, the figure was even higher, at 47%. In 2020 there was a survey that found that 72% of respondents had experienced discrimination relating to social integration. The survey also found that 65% experienced discrimination relating to social integration. The survey also found that 65% experienced discrimination relating to safety, security and psychosocial services, while 31% experienced discrimination when accessing essential services.
The conversation about bathrooms should not be about deciding who looks “feminine enough.” It should rather focus on finding a way for everyone to use public spaces with dignity while respecting other people’s privacy. Part of the solution could be something as simple as learning not to make immediate assumptions about a person based on their hairstyle or clothing, as these do not tell us everything about who they are. Sometimes, the person we assume does not belong may be exactly where they are supposed to be. Masculine-presenting women should not have to change their appearance to make strangers feel more comfortable. At the same time, privacy concerns should be taken seriously and discussed respectfully.
Article edited by: Munei Zoe Mbedzi
Comments